Much of my experience at the moment centers around one man. For those who follow my writings, you will know about 'my favourite man' and 'the man who affects me like no other'. Well, right now it's about the latter.
This is the man who turns me upside down with only a few simple words, the man who I can never shake, the man who, even after 6 months of having nothing to do with him, manages to wreak havoc on my system after just one day of connecting (by text I might add).
It happened at the end of last week and into the weekend, and that's all it took to take me right back to where I always was. Smiling and eager for the next message, and rushing to respond.
He is the only man I am like that with. The rest tend to wait. I am not quick to engage them because the pull just isn't there. But with this man, I cannot respond or hear from him fast enough. Ever.
He is the only one to have maintained my interest as long as he has, primarily because he is the only man I have met whom I genuinely admire. It is his ambition and confidence that astounds me; even moreso as time goes on.
He amazes me with all that he creates and achieves. He goes after what he wants without thinking twice; without wondering if he is worthy of it because he knows he is.
I am constantly in awe, even when I am pissed at him, because he is just that amazing at what he does. I admire and respect him. His power in the physical world is equal to mine in the inner one. We seek to master our respective realms and tend to impress others in the process.
He is a man I consider my equal, and yet, here we aren't.
I have probably spent more time thinking, talking and writing about this odd dynamic we share, than I have about any other subject in my life. Not publicly, but rest assured my circle knows the whole story. It has always felt too close to home to delve into in my blog however, because I never understood it and I honestly felt powerless with it. I still do. But I suppose those 6 months of not talking to him has helped me somewhat, even if only to give me an opportunity to look at things with less of an emotional charge.
Our recent reconnection changed everything, in the sense that he has not left my thoughts for a second since; making the affections of other men completely insignificant in my world. This is a reality I know all too well, because this is just as it was before.
It makes no sense at all. You wouldn't understand why it makes no sense, not knowing the whole story, but trust me. It's absurd that this man affects me like he does given all that has transpired. Given certain realities. Given how long it has been. Given what I am powerless to change.
And so there we were, messaging like no time had passed, swiftly entering our once established routine. The dance we danced so long ago, became new again, infused with the excitement of what could be, while temporarily setting aside all that never worked.
Our connection is so potent that I was willing to forget, at least for those moments, that this man is my kryptonite. He need only write, "Hello Mandy", and I fall right back in to the pool of intensity that marks our complicated relationship.
No person but him, has ever given me cause to run to my phone, to always be with my phone, or to pray to God for a man to text me. No one. The rest I can do without. But him? Impossible.
The gaps in between those messages have always killed me. I once brought this up to him to let him know how unacceptable these spaces were in Mandyland. His response: "You are quick to see all that I don't do. But slow to see that I drop everything when I see a message from you." Of course that was the perfect response, and proof that I affected him just like he affected me, but I couldn't admit it, so I just told him that my feelings on this topic won't change so we may as well accept it. His response to that was to fill those gaps all evening. I loved it so much.
That was in the fall. It's now summer. And this is day number 3 since we connected.
I am half ashamed to admit that I count every hour, because I feel every second of every minute that we are not engaged. It is an acute torture, to be quite honest, and my conversations with the universe are constant as I try to cope with this repeat of what once was.
I do not know why things are as they are, and I do not know what I am supposed to do with this experience. I cannot assume it is the same on his end, but I do know that despite his insane travelling schedule, the time difference, and the intensity of his work, his responses were immediate, he was happy to make me laugh and smile, and it appeared and felt as though nothing had changed.
I am sure many of us have that one person we can never get over. That one person who stirs something within us, without knowing how or why. Logically, it should be another. But it isn't.
My favourite man was actually the one who loved and cared for me both physically and emotionally throughout my experience with the man I am currently speaking about. My favourite man kissed away my tears, listened to my pain, and tried to understand this strange connection I shared with a man I never wanted for my own, but somehow remains the only one.
My favourite man offered all that this other one could not, yet I would have traded a night of love making with a man that loved me, for one text from this man who I'm not sure ever did.
I don't even know if I even loved him, to be quite honest. I just know that our broken connection hurts me every time.
I have many intuitive healers in my sphere because of who I am and the work that I do, and I have approached all of them at some point, sometimes more than once, to lay my experience with this particular man at their feet. Each time I hoped that they could shed some light on the situation and I could get my "once and for all" answer to the dilemma that has been my struggle for the past year and a half.
But it never ends.
I have been told we have had past lives together, that we are deeply connected in this one, and once the man in question remarked, after yet another broken connection, that we could have made the perfect couple in another lifetime. So why not this one? For a million reasons, in my opinion; none of which I feel prepared to go into.
One healer noted a pattern: that he and I never seemed to match up at the same time. Ever. No matter how hard we tried, no matter how persistent he was, no matter how much it killed me to shut the door each time (believing I was doing the right thing for both of us), we never found a way to come together and stay together, or move apart and stay apart.
Both external and internal situations would push us together and then swiftly pull us apart. The constant back and forth hurt him as much as it hurt me, yet we just couldn't get it together.
It even got to the point where he named my moves, like "The Plug Pull" (as I would constantly bail on our visits), and "The Goldfish" (when I would forget what made me bail and then enter into the dynamic like it was brand new). Of course he always welcomed this shift, until he couldn't any longer. A heart can only take so much.
My ways tortured him, and his tortured me. And I suppose that should be enough to prove that this wasn't a good thing so why the hell am I still going on about this guy? Who knows. I don't get it at all.
We both exude such a powerful front, yet we are weak when it comes to one another.
I have been told that our connection cannot be broken, that it is a spiritual and powerful one, and that our past was a demonstration of fear and lack of trust. I got body work done once and wept as I talked about he and I, and ran my mouth about all the reasons it would never work, it couldn't work, and why I needed to stay away, yet she said that the only reality was that he and I terrified one another. We were both afraid to love, and to be hurt.
And maybe we did love, and we certainly did hurt, but neither of us got what we most wanted from the other. So maybe that is why it feels so unresolved. Because it is.
Regardless of what it is that brings us together and keeps us apart, life goes on. He achieves in his world and I achieve in mine. And occasionally we stumble upon one another's advancements and give words of encouragement, feeling grateful that there is someone else on this planet who works and moves at a similar (dizzying) speed.
He brings out the best and the worst in me. His presence makes me feel like I can do anything, especially because he treats me as such. His presence also makes me feel incredibly insecure in other areas, so it is an experience of intrigue followed by discomfort. It is pure heaven and utter hell.
He is what I keep trying to be free of, yet I am bound to him like no other.
Many men try, but none are him, so what's the point. I need the intensity. I need it now. I need a man who challenges me and isn't afraid to match me. I especially need a man who isn't threatened by who I am, which is almost impossible to find. It would take someone incredibly confident to win me over and keep me.
Even this man could not keep me, yet he possesses all of me.
He just doesn't know it.
P.S. Read how not much has changed 5 years later.
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