"Good relationship skills and high ethics don't mean you get to be with the same partner forever and ever. Relationships change, people grow out of them, people change. They may acquire new desires, new dreams." The Ethical Slut
Now before you get your panties in a knot (or your knickers in a twist), hear me out.
Although monogamy is the expected and accepted form of relating sexually to one another in our mainstream culture, we all know there are countless people who do not practice it or even give a damn about it. I'm not talking about those who cheat on their lovers (I'll leave it to someone else to talk about the dynamic of choosing not to be honest with a partner. I can't relate), I'm talking about the choice to have multiple partners within the context of an open and respectful arrangement that ALL parties are made aware of, so that they are free to choose (or not choose) to engage. Yep, I'm talking about polyamory.
Now I understand why some of you might feel very uncomfortable with such a topic. It threatens our sense of what's 'right', it threatens our idea that there is only one person for everyone, and even considering the idea naturally makes most of us fear the loss of someone special in our lives.
Not only that, but polygamy has certainly gotten a bad rap over the years with news stories about religious sects in which the men had many lovers/wives, but the women did not have the same freedom. I'm not talking about that. Again, I'm talking about a mutual agreement that honours everyone involved, that does not infringe on anyone's rights, that affords equal freedom to all parties, and is based on mutual respect.
So, after receiving letters and emails from readers of my second book The Poet & The Butterfly, many of whom could not comprehend the dynamic that Keveen and I shared, I think it's time for me to shed some light on the situation (you can read the first 3 pages of this book by clicking on the previous link).
Keveen and I shared something rare, beautiful and the envy of countless hearts: a spontaneous love without limits. Our unscripted, ephemeral and passionate exchange was based on granting one another complete freedom, in ALL areas, because for both of us at the time, it was only natural. It was easy to offer one another the freedom we most enjoyed and wanted for ourselves. We were seemingly cut from the same cloth, and found immense pleasure in knowing that a spirit as free as our own, existed somewhere in the world.
It was a whirlwind romance, more poetic than physical, but it left some people wondering how I could be fine knowing how Keveen chose to share himself with others, as opposed to being with only me. I found it interesting that no one asked how he could be fine with my choice to not be with him exclusively. This is the double standard at work. It really blows my mind.
It's culturally expected and accepted that the man should play the field and the woman should be pining for exclusivity, yet this has never been my experience. If anything the reverse it true. I meet many men who desire a monogamous, longterm relationship with that special someone, only to be heartbroken when the object of their affection is unable to reciprocate these feelings.
What I learned from my readers is that Keveen's behaviour is excused ("he's just being French", "he's just being a man"), even admired and sought after (I dare you to find ONE woman who was not smitten with Keveen by the end of the book), while I'm the one being interrogated by well-meaning individuals (especially female readers) who simply can't grasp why, after such an extraordinary love affair, I was not heartbroken afterwards, why I did not follow him back to France, why it was not my goal to 'settle down' with him after the fact (because as you all know, that's EVERY woman's dream, right? To live happily ever after with just one man).
Right.
Some women want this. Some women don't. Some men want to bed many. Some men don't. It's not about what's right or wrong here. It's about personal choice. We can want different things. It's okay. The world won't end if she's shagging 10 guys this month or he's saving his virginity for his one and only. Who cares? It's all good. And it's really none of your business. Take care of yourself and leave others to do the same.
The double standard we all seem to blindly accept in this culture (that a man is King when he scores and a woman is a slut when she does) is something I've never understood. We're all human. We all have needs, and it's our responsibility to find ways to get those needs met in a way that honours each person involved.
I'm certainly not knocking monogamy. I think it's great for those who enjoy and value it. Nor am I promoting polyamory. I think it takes highly developed skills in communication, incredible self-awareness and a willingness to face some very uncomfortable feelings to succeed in such a dynamic, all of which are not recommended for the faint of heart.
What I am doing is asking you to expand your mind, to question the status quo and to be courageous enough to think for yourself. I'm also asking you to do things based on your truth, instead of accepting what you've been told is true, right, acceptable, ethical.
"We each own ourselves...we each have the responsibility of living our lives, determining our individual needs and arranging to get those needs met. If you like yourself, love yourself, and take care of yourself, your other relationships can arrange themselves around you, as perfectly as crystals." The Ethical Slut
It's your life. It's your body. It's your heart. It's your mind. What will you do with these gifts?
With love,
Mandy xo
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