In light of yesterday's funeral, I decided to write a public 'will' of sorts. I am sharing it here with the hopes that you too will compile your own letter, if only for yourself, outlining how you'd like things to go down when you leave this world. I found this fun as well as liberating, because we're all going at some point, so may as well make it the best transition it can be. Enjoy!
WHEN I DIE
Don’t cry. You’ll just ruin everything.
But if you must cry, let it be because you haven’t been laid in a whole week, not because I’m finally free to rock out from above.
Let there be steak, and lots of it. Me and the chosen cows will look down with a smile and a moo.
There will not be a funeral. Fuck that. Massive party at my place if that’s possible. If it’s not, let it be somewhere equally beautiful, sacred and personal. Even after death I will need to feel connected to whatever I’m a part of, so don’t put me in a church where you can’t clap and scream, ‘OMG!! SHE WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME!! I LOVE HER!!!’ or ‘I GOT TO MAKE OUT WITH HER LAST WEEK!!’ or ‘SHE WROTE ON MY WALL!!’ or ‘THAT WAS ME WRITING ON HER WALL…LIKE ALL THE TIME!’ or ‘GOD I LOVED THAT BITCH’S UPDATES! You get what I’m saying.
Paige will be fine. You’ll all worry about her but I bet she’ll be the one reassuring you. She’s the wisest and most centered human I have ever had the pleasure to know and love, and she, more than anybody, will know what she needs in order to move through this process. She already has the master bedroom, the walk-in closet and the Mac, so all she really needs is the most kickass shopping spree of her life. If I die before I make it big, please give her that for me. It’s always been my dream to have a shitload of cash so that I could give her something she’s always dreamed of; more clothes, shoes, purses, makeup and travel. I’m sure this seems like a joke, but I’m serious. Paige and I do not value the same things so I’ve always been stingy with spending cash on ‘things’, but shopping brings her as much joy as words bring me so I want those I love to take part in that experience for her. Also, please give her one HUGE trip for me to wherever she desires. I will pay you back when you get here.
Enjoy my past updates. They are what brought me the greatest joy, apart from sex and making out with random strangers at the club.
Only wear black if you’ve gained a few pounds and need a slimming colour for my wild party (you don't need it though, I promise you look perfect as you are). Apart from that, I better see a rainbow of hotties in honour of my colourful life and spirit. Boas are suggested. Fancy hats are expected. And I want to see Sheena in a bikini.
Whoever is in charge of the slide show, you best pick all my favourite pictures because if I see one bad shot I will haunt you. A real friend would already know and respect the photo code.
There will be dancing and lots of it. Soul, funk, R&B, old school, hip hop, oldies and hopefully a few kickass tracks my musician friends have written in my honour. Bonus karma points for each time I hear my name in the song.
Remember that it’s only my hot body that stopped working. I’m still here and better than ever, doing what I’ve always done, but from a place as big as my spirit. Maybe that’s why I got shipped away. Earth couldn’t contain it.
If you’re gonna fill my wall, you better tell everyone about all the amazing times we shared (and post pics if you have them, but only if I look hot), the laughs we had, the ways I rocked, and the greatest quotes EVER!
If you’re going to create a Facebook group like I did for Mike, please call it ‘Mandy Richardson’s Groupies’. That’s right.
Do not waste your money on flowers. I can’t smell them from up there and this is MY death so it’s still all about me. Go treat yourself to a sexy new outfit instead, in honour of me, and make sure someone takes a picture. Make it your profile pic for a bit so that whenever you see how fabulous you look and you get compliments from your friends on that sexy as hell pic, you will know it’s me saying ‘hi’ each time, reminding you that you are absolutely gorgeous and kickass in every way.
For those who toke, smoke one for me as you read my article on pot and get your giggle on. For those who drink, be sure to cheers to life, both yours and mine, and if you’re gonna get loaded you must still remember that life is too short to dance with ugly men. Luckily for you though, I only associate with beautiful people, so you’re covered at my party.
As for charities, I would like you to support your local artists in whatever way appeals to you. Many of those who will be celebrating my life are artists, writers, musicians, creative geniuses and the like. Buy their work or recommend it, and remind them that it’s great to know that there are still people willing to follow their dreams, their heart and their passion, despite the majority who settle for so much less. We need the eccentrics, the wild ones, the ones that say ‘fuck you’ to society, to ignorance, to restriction, convention and propriety, and instead say yes to life, to freedom, to expression, to truth.
Lastly, for anyone reading this, I love you. Yep, even if I don’t know you and we haven’t met yet. Why? Because we’re all connected. And if you don’t believe me now, you will find out for yourself when you join the eternally-high club.
So to all my beautiful friends, my precious family and my kitties: thank you for making my life so wonderful. For being there for me in whatever way you were. For accepting me as I am. For loving me and telling me that you love me. For the hugs, the kisses, the touches and the moments I will never forget. For supporting me no matter what I went through. For your words that meant so much.
And depending on what day, week, month or year it is when I pass, thank you to the man who is making my heart happy. I may love the world but I only share those private moments with those who are worthy of all that I am. So if that’s you, it was an honour and most definitely a pleasure.
You have this moment. Live it well, my friend.
All my love,
P.S. Here is one of many updates I posted on Facebook after Mike's funeral on Feb 18, 2010:
"Mandy lives each day as if it were her last, loves each boy as if he was her first, kisses each girl just because she can, and risks everything she's got cuz there's nothing left to lose."
P.P.S. It's 2014 and much of what I wrote 4 years ago remains the same. Sharing my life and heart on Facebook is still my greatest joy. However, sex is the least of my interests at this time, I disabled my Facebook wall years ago, and I specifically want Kevin "DJ Fingaz" Marks to DJ at my afterlife party. I would also like to include any and all animal shelters as worthy charities for my beloveds to support should they want to donate anything in my honour. Thank you. xx
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